I was a teenager. My nephew was a child. He had autism and intellectual disability and we were waiting with our whole big extended family for someone to arrive. I don’t know if we had gotten to the airport too early or if the plane was delayed, but we had been confined too long and my nephew was having a difficult time. I took him for a walk and found an empty waiting area near our gate and started playing with him – being silly, singing, playing peek-a-boo and jumping up and down on the vinyl seats.
“Can’t you keep him under control?!”
I looked up. Our isolated gate had a new resident.
“Can’t you keep him under control?” she demanded again.
I lost my voice and my words.
I felt so small.
I grabbed my nephew and hurried away.
Humiliated.
When I first heard Dr. Brene Brown talk about shame, I was suddenly back at that airport rushing away from an empty gate while holding my nephew. Feeling small. Feeling not good enough. Almost crying. I hadn’t visited that moment in my mind for years.
Unfortunately, these types of experiences are not outliers for parents of children with disabilities and children with disabilities. And while there has been much progress in the world in the understanding and acceptance of disabilities, there is still so far to go … particularly in public education where shaming is sometimes part of the IEP process and school culture.
Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as “the fear that we’re not good enough.” It’s more than just fear for parents of children with disabilities. The message of not measuring up is communicated frequently throughout the deficit based IEP meeting and in the school system.
- Present levels that are not at grade level or age level expectations
- Goals that still won’t reach grade level or age level expectations
- Exclusion from parties, activities, classes and transportation with typical peers
- Unkind comments from teachers and other students
- Placing special education classrooms in portables or away from general education classrooms
The shamed filled IEP meeting and school environment is corrosive to relationships and parental progression through the grief process. The message that the child is good enough, or perfectly imperfect (see earlier post) like the rest of us, is too often absent from the conversation.
As I reflected on shaming in the IEP, I recalled times when it unintentionally occurred in meetings where I was present. I remembered the tone and atmosphere changing but not understanding what happened to cause the negative feelings. When I reevaluated the situations through the lens of shame, the reactions made sense. It was hard to admit that I had inadvertently caused the parents’ unnecessary pain. It saddens me still.
What can be done by educators?
Awareness is the first step to change. Special educators need to be willing to have conversations with each other about what they may be doing to bring shame into the IEP meeting.
Apologize when unintentional shaming happens. Immediately. Sometimes, offering an apology is the only way to find out what was said to bring in the negativity.
Respond with compassion. Dr. Brene Brown confirmed her research that when people react “with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
The message that needs to be given to counteract the shame message is that all children are perfectly imperfect. They are good enough. They are unique individuals. They are originals. They have things that they do well and things that are more difficult for them. They are precious. Their strengths do not increase their worth and their weaknesses do not subtract from it. They are good enough. Their worth is infinite. It does not change.
It’s time to eliminate shaming.