I propped her up so I could take a picture of her “standing.” I posted this staged, albeit adorable, picture to show … what? A fake version of reality.

Why was it so important to me that she looked like she was standing?

Why did I care what others thought about my child?

This was silly.

But still, I posted the photo and titled it 11 months, and did this knowing that she had toppled over immediately after it was taken.

This girl.

Man, she was my whole world.

Like most parents, I felt like my heart had been broken open and all the love that I had collected in my life spilled out on my daughter when I first held her in my arms. I had never seen anyone so perfect. I couldn’t believe that she was mine.

Less than 24 hours after her birth, a doctor came in to tell the results of her exam of my daughter. I couldn’t even process what she was saying. I didn’t even remember an exam being done. However, the doctor ended her analysis with the statement, “So her smile is going to be crooked.”

That’s when I realized that the world would never see my child the way that I saw my child. Everything about her was going to be analyzed and graded. It had already started and it wasn’t going to stop. From birth size to nursing to sleeping to rolling over to eye contact to vocalizing to crawling to walking to talking to running, feedback would be offered. For the typically developing child, these observations can be annoying. For the parents of a child with any type of delays, the judgments are exhausting and discouraging. The pressure to measure up can be intense. Some of us mothers even post staged photos on Facebook.

Also inherent in some comments is a valuation of the child, whether overt, unintentional or projection.

“She doesn’t walk yet? How old is she?”

No.

“Hasn’t she starting walking?”

No.

“She’s tall. Do you think she’s going to play basketball like her mom?”

I am just trying to teach her to walk.

Rather than enjoying childhood with its little miracles, it can feel like our children are in a race to complete their developmental milestones before their peers because then they (and you) will be …

Better?

Superior?

Elite?

It’s all just rubbish. The casualties of these narcissistic attitudes are the most vulnerable and needy children and their families. This mindset promotes feelings of shame and embarrassment, not support and encouragement, regarding struggles. It makes it more painful to confront any issues because these difficulties have become tied to the child’s worth.

All children (and all of us for that matter) are perfectly imperfect. Children are all unique individuals. They are originals. They have things that they do well and things that are more difficult for them. They are precious. Their strengths do not increase their worth and their weaknesses do not subtract from it. Their worth is infinite. It does not change.

My “11 months” fake photo was a wake-up call for my mothering. My daughter didn’t have to be anything that she wasn’t and I didn’t need to pretend that she could do something that she had not mastered. So for her 1-year photo, she sat sweetly and was perfectly herself.

“When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your (or your child’s) worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.” Brene Brown