I never seem to say or do the right things when parents are feeling intense guilt.
Words seem inadequate and trite.
Silence feels judgmental.
It is not an area of strength for me.
Part of me wants to scream at the parent, “Do you know how amazing you are? Do you know how lucky your child is that you are his parent? We just don’t know why these things happen. We don’t. Stop torturing yourself with what ifs.”
I don’t scream it.
Okay, maybe I have once.
Twice.
It didn’t help.
I hate watching parents blame themselves for things which they had no control.
It’s worse when they might have possibly done something to cause X.
I hate the pain in their eyes.
I hate the self-doubt.
I hate the guilt.
Dr. Ken Moses explained, “… the guilt-ridden person is saying that they are accepting responsibility for everything. It feels better to do that than to believe that they have no influence on anything! Guilt, in this sense, helps one to redefine the issue of cause and responsibility in the light of loss.”
The path to redefinition is complicated and exhausting but it needs to happen to move toward acceptance.
Letting go of responsibility is difficult.
Accepting ambiguity can seem near impossible.
“It’s my fault.”
“I caused this to happen to my child.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Why?”
Variations on a theme.
No answers.
At least none that will be accepted.
“Guilt is a poisonous illusion. Many languages don’t even have a word for guilt. Sure, we all feel it. But we also get to decide if we’re going to let guilt bring us down or not. Acknowledge the feelings, and then give yourself permission to let them go,” explained Kris Carr.
To the special educator, know that guilt is often hidden from others. Even if you don’t see it, guilt is there. It is so important to affirm the worthiness of the parent over and over again. Provide the counter message to guilt.
To the parent, progressing through guilt is healthy. However, holding onto guilt is dangerous for you and for your child and your family. Guilt can damage relationships. Guilt prevents joy in the present. Guilt inhibits planning for the future. Guilt causes one to stay arrested in the past.
Acknowledge your guilt. Talk to a close friend about it.
Move on … for you and for your child.
Please let it go.
The path out of guilt is personal, soul expanding and freeing.
It’s worth the journey.
Take it.
To repeat Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”