Sometimes I say things knowing that the parent will be hurt by what I say.  

I say it directly and clearly and multiple times.

Because sometimes I must choose between the desires and feelings of the parent and what is best for the child.

And the child always wins.

She was an adorable and happy Kindergarten student whose father insisted be advanced to first grade.  He was absolutely convinced that she was bored in Kindergarten and was not connecting with her same-age peers due to her superior intellect. We did not share his concerns, but he would not back down.

I was an intern.  This was my first case of grade advancement, so my principal came up with our assessment strategy.  In addition to completing cognitive and academic assessments, she decided to place the child in a first-grade classroom for 50% of the day to see how the child functioned in each environment.  Maybe we were wrong? I was to do several observations in each setting.

When I walked into the first-grade classroom, I was surprised by what I saw.  The happy and playful Kindergarten student that I had just observed the day before was silently crying at her desk.  The work was too difficult for her. I watched as the teacher restated the directions and gave her encouragement, but the student continued to cry and refused to attempt the task.

I did several more observations in both settings.  When the child was in the Kindergarten classroom, she was happy and participated appropriately in the learning activities.   When the child was in the first-grade classroom, she was emotional and refused to work.  It was as if I was observing two different children.

I tried to get out of the meeting with the father, who was absolutely convinced that my assessment would support the advancement to first grade. I argued that I really didn’t have to be there because it wasn’t an IEP.  My principal advised me to just share my assessments and what I saw.

As I went through the test results, the father became more and more agitated with me.  His daughter’s intellect was in the high average range not the superior range.  Her academic skills were appropriate for Kindergarten. He challenged every score.  Then I shared the results of the observations.

“What do you mean that she was crying?” he demanded.

“Well … she had tears streaming down her face.”

“She was really crying?” he asked again.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?” He was softening.

“Every time I observed her in the first-grade classroom, she cried at her desk.  It didn’t matter what the activity was at the time – computers, math, spelling or reading. She cried and refused to work.”

He was silent for a long time.  Finally, he said, “I guess she’s not ready for first grade.”

I breathed.

One of the most difficult things to navigate as a special educator is when there is conflict between the parents’ desires and the child’s needs. This can play out several ways.  Sometimes, it is when the school is trying to initiate assessment and the parent does not think that the concerns are that significant.  Other times, it can be when a child is demonstrating with his behavior that the current environment is not working, and the parent refuses to consider a different classroom setting.  It also can occur when a child no longer requires services and the parent is not willing to accept progress. These meetings are tough because parents often leave feeling angry and hurt.

The easy thing to do would be to say what the parent wants to hear or to give in to requests.

But the right thing to do is to meet the child’s needs.

The child is the expert.

“Children don’t know how to ask for what they don’t know they need. Their asking comes in the form of behaviour.” ~ Bonnie Harris