I could see the panic in her eyes.
“I didn’t plan for this. I don’t know what to do. Who is going to tell me what to do?” she asked.
The room was silent.
I wish that I could say that I shared profound, life-changing advice that calmed this mother’s fears, but I didn’t know what to say. And, I didn’t know who was going to give her the answers.
The room stayed silent.
The mother sighed.
Finally, I said, “You will figure it out. I know you will.” I don’t think it was helpful.
Immediately following the diagnosis of a disability, many parents, like this mother, feel significant fear and apprehension about the future and how they are going to meet the needs of their child.
This anxiety can be intense.
Sleepless nights.
Loss of appetite.
Irritability.
This anxiety can be unrelenting.
Excessive internet research.
Self-doubt.
Ceaseless worry.
Constant contact.
But, like denial, this anxiety is a necessary, valuable and healthy part of grieving.
Dr. Ken Moses wrote, “It does not take long for most parents to become aware that they, not some professional, are their child’s medical, educational, and therapy managers, even though they may have minimal knowledge of these areas. That alone should drive home the urgent need for energies to be mobilized and focused by the crucial feeling of anxiety.”
The gifts of anxiety are the strength to face the diagnosis and the courage to discover unknown skills and attributes. Anxiety pushes parents to ask hard questions, research options and demand best practices. Anxiety centers parent learning, driving them to be fast experts. Anxiety can also lead to creative problem-solving.
In their anxious state, however, parents can sometimes unintentionally damage the relationships with those professionals charged with providing care for their child. They can come across as demanding, aggressive and disrespectful. They can be viewed as hostile, not approachable.
During these intense times, both parents and professionals need to remember to assume good intentions and to focus on common goals. The challenge for parents is to temper their anxiety when interacting with others. This can be tough. However, recognizing and controlling anxious responses is what will help channel the positive consequences of anxiety for the growth of the child.
Yes, anxiety can be intense.
Yes, anxiety can be unrelenting.
Anxiety is a necessary, valuable and healthy part of grieving.